My whole world's upside down.

This past week has been a little rough. October 23 was(is) my Tito Pidong's death anniversary, then on the 24th I lost my grandpa, Celestino Aroc. My mom left for the Philippines on Sunday the 25th, and I'm so sad that neither my dad, my sister, nor I were able to accompany her. Losing her father is already a tragic experience, and I hated that she had to go alone. Afterwards, it started feeling like everything else was falling out of place. It's so hard when my entire family- immediate and extended- is such a major part of my life, and then have to watch it crumble. Fall brought so much more than a mere change in temperature.

On top of everything, I really miss Stephen. We had been looking forward to spending time together this weekend, and unfortunately that won't be happening. When we initially planned for him to visit, it was to do all the things we normally do together- movie dates, be fatasses together, play bingo. But after this past week, I was looking forward to him coming because I simply need him.

Oh well. As hard and devastating as this week has been, I just need to be strong and keep my head up.

Yare, yare.

Worst essay ever. Okay, "research paper" is what it's called, but still.

Looks like it's going to be a long fight to the end of semester, forcing every step along the way. But, I want to change, you know? I want to actually read my chapters, and do my homework, out right. My motivation, well, I have none. And sadly, I have no time to look for it. It's run away and doing it's own business, while my laze and lack of interest come crashing in.

They say tomorrow is a new day, and tomorrow is my new day. I've decided to dedicate tonight to saying good-bye to old habit, and tomorrow to grow into what I want to be. Even if everyday I have to write up a to-do list, I don't care. I'll do it. Even if I have to mess with my own mind with lines like "You can't call Her until you've finished your notes", I'll do it. I want to get back in shape, both physically and mentally.

Tomorrow, another day.

Half-assed, dude.

Dear World,

Hi, it's me again. It's been a while, as usual; nothing's wrong with that. But today, I have a problem. Well, not necessarily today, it's ben going on a while, but today I'd like to talk about it. I'm worried, World. For some reason, the enthusiasm I had for school a month ago has disappeared; upright vanished. I noticed mainly today because I got the lowest test score I've gotten in college, sans nursing school (which is another matter, you were guaranteed to fail a test or two in nursing). And it made me sad, not because the material was simple, because I did so bad on the test that I went from an A- to a C+, and I've lost all chances at an A. Even if I perfect everything else here on out, I can only max out at a B+, due to the weight of the test. Last week should have been a sign, when I got a B on my AJ 101 exam, but I figured that it was a tad hard. Nevertheless, I'm worried. A month ago, I would sneak in a reading of a chapter here and there, I took notes, I paid full attention to class and read everything I needed. Now, however, I find myself taking the same shortcuts that "got me by" in high school, and I don't want to be doing that.

You see, in 2 weeks I will be applying to CSU Fresno. Now, while my grades in general are outstanding (withholding my now C in AJ 111, I still have straight As), it's the habit I fear. But I can't find the motivation, I can't find the urge. Maybe it's all too easy. Some may say I'm stupid, cause I can throw around 22 credits like it's nothing, that I'm foolish and just leading myself on. But that's far from true, as I have the numbers to back it up, for the most part. However, the lack of true challenge has some what disappeared: I've figured out how tests are done, I figured out how to pull off quizzes and weekly posts without reading every word, memorizing every little detail, and I hate that. To me, that's not true knowledge. It's indeed a very good tactic, but in the long run, does me no good, as the 30 minute retention of knowledge will get me, well, no where passed 30 minutes.

So, World, that's my life. I don't update much, I know, but I'll keep trying! Hopefully the next time I write to you again, I'll be doing much better in classes, and actually know what in the world I'm doing in each. Until then, until then.

- Stephen.